For someone like me, who suffers from depression and anxiety, a lot of lines in life become blurred. It’s all too easy for something that I enjoy or something that I am working at to become an obsession, instead of just something that I am doing.
It’s happened with knitting in the past, and I’ve had to work hard to find a balance. It just recently happened with the Twilight books–and I ignored everything and everyone else until these were completed (but I hear I’m not the only one who feels this way).
I’ve also found that it’s happening with my weight loss. It started as a necessary measure because my clothes and rings weren’t fitting anymore. I also wanted to be at my best for my sister’s wedding in May, because those pictures will be around forever.
But I see so clearly what happened. There is so much going on right now–travel, plans to move home, anxiety about leaving friends…and there is so much going on that I can’t control. So what was something that I was holding myself accountable for by posting and weighing in quickly became something that I was obsessed with.
I was weighing myself daily–not eating if I felt that I’d eaten too much the day before, feeling guilt and shame if I overate. And I wasn’t seeing myself clearly anymore.
So, I have to decide how to find a balance. How do I get to my goal weight without making it an obsession? How do I learn to accept myself as I am, regardless of the number on the scale?
I thought about it while I went for a run this morning.
At least that’s something.
But I may cut back on my weight loss updates here. Instead of weekly, I think I’ll move to bi-weekly, and have Marcus hide the scale in the meantime.
After all, they are just numbers.