By all measures, this has been a good (great) month for me. Anne and Phil were here for two weeks, which was awesome. My lia sophia business has been doing really well–I’ve doubled the amount of money I’d hoped to make every month so far. My web writing has been incredibly busy–I’ve done a huge partner project with Associated Content that has kept me quite busy and well paid. In addition, I released my baby cardigan pattern, which has already sold 11 copies since its release on Sunday afternoon!
Of course, those of you who suffer from mental illness know about “by all measures” and “the shoulds”. This should have been an awesome month–look at all the great things that have happened. I should be feeling happy–I’m pregnant, our financial outlook is good, and we’re home. I should, I should, I should…
Instead, I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral, my first since the initial crash of coming off of my medication when I found out I was pregnant and handling Marcus’ seven weeks overseas. It hasn’t been a crash, per se. Rather, I’m just having ups and downs, highs and lows. But unlike the highs and lows most people have, my highs aren’t high anymore, they’re average.
Instead of happy with all the great things going on, I find myself overwhelmed with it all–with the business of life. Easily frustrated. Short-fused. Moody.
In short, how I feel when I’m depressed and not on my medication.
To combat this, I continue to try to stay busy, but to find a better balance. I cannot, in fact, do it all. I have to remember that when the days are rainy and cold (like they’ve been lately) I need to turn on all the lights and stay active. I need to lean on Marcus and ask him for help when I need it.
I need to remember (don’t laugh) that I’m pregnant and my pregnant hormones usually start to go a bit crazy at this point, anyway.
It *has* been a good month…I just wish I could feel it. Maybe just acknowledging it and realizing it will help.