In which I’m not ready…

I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your attention that the ten year anniversary of 9/11 is almost here. It feels weird to call it an anniversary, since anniversaries seem like happy events, and nothing about 9/11 was happy.

I’ve written about 9/11 several times over the years–a brief account of my day that is filed away somewhere in a notebook, a short commentary once on how the day changed me, forum posts about where I was, who I was, and what I was doing. Every one of them felt fake, though I wrote nothing but the truth–I wrote them with almost no emotion, which seems unbelievable since I am a pretty emotional person. Sometimes I feel detached from my memories of the day, though I know I was there, who I was with, what went on, and remember so much about everything.

This year, 9/11 memories are everywhere. Everyone is talking about that September day. And I can’t bring myself to watch any coverage, any documentary, any first-person accounts. I have avoided reading almost anything related to the day. I read everything. I write about everything. But this year…I just can’t.

It isn’t that my story is something spectacular. It isn’t. I personally know people who lost loved ones, had personal losses, had lives changed forever in ways that I will never be able to imagine.

Maybe in another ten years I will be able to really process that day. Maybe I’ll be able to watch, read about, and really relive that day. But not this year. This year, I want to pretend that 9/11 is just another day…which is, I suspect, still a part of the coping process.


One thought on “In which I’m not ready…

  1. Ironically, I wrote a piece about the ten year mark of 9/11. And I guess what I wrote was along different lines than your perspective. I’m glad I came across this post because I think it’s easy for me to think that we need to remember, we need to grow from this experience in our country, and we need to not forget it like other things in our history are soon forgotten. But I guess, when you put it that way that it’s hard to cope with it, especially for people who had a closer experience to it than just watching it on the news that day, I see how they might need a break from thinking about it. It’s painful. Thanks for sharing that perspective on it.

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