I feel like you must be tired of posts about this, since there have been many over the years. I regularly have to balance my desire for an immaculate home with my desire to have a fun house and my desire to make time for myself instead of spending every free minute cleaning. I have to balance it all, and sometimes I fail at that.
What happens a lot of times is that I can handle the chaos and the messes and the never-ending to-do list for a while, and then suddenly, I can’t. Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, even though those things have needed to be done for X amount of time. And I have a freak out. There’s usually yelling at Marcus and the kids, stomping around the house, and mumbling under my breath about how I do everything, how no one helps or appreciates me, and there is often a fight that ends up ensuing between Marcus and I about something unrelated but brought on by this change in my mood.
This is not something that I am proud of. In fact, I’m pretty ashamed of it. I worry that the girls will grow up and remember these freak outs, instead of all the fun stuff we do, all the books we read and games we played, and all the times I was a calm, patient parent. When I’m in my rational mind (hah!) I recognize that that isn’t the case. But when I’m in the throws of this anxiety-induced freak out, it’s all I can see. And I hate myself during and after these episodes.
I think the reason I decided to blog about this is because writing about it and telling people about it helps me own it, so that I can work on changing this behavior that I so despise.
My plan is simple–try to keep up with things around the house a little better, try to worry less about what other people think about the way my house looks, and try to recognize that I am a good wife and mother and the way my house looks has nothing to do with that.
Wish me luck!