In which I have a freak out

I feel like you must be tired of posts about this, since there have been many over the years.   I regularly have to balance my desire for an immaculate home with my desire to have a fun house and my desire to make time for myself instead of spending every free minute cleaning.  I have to balance it all, and sometimes I fail at that.

What happens a lot of times is that I can handle the chaos and the messes and the never-ending to-do list for a while, and then suddenly, I can’t.  Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, even though those things have needed to be done for X amount of time.  And I have a freak out.  There’s usually yelling at Marcus and the kids, stomping around the house, and mumbling under my breath about how I do everything, how no one helps or appreciates me, and there is often a fight that ends up ensuing between Marcus and I about something unrelated but brought on by this change in my mood.

This is not something that I am proud of.  In fact, I’m pretty ashamed of it.  I worry that the girls will grow up and remember these freak outs, instead of all the fun stuff we do, all the books we read and games we played, and all the times I was a calm, patient parent.  When I’m in my rational mind (hah!) I recognize that that isn’t the case.  But when I’m in the throws of this anxiety-induced freak out, it’s all I can see.  And I hate myself during and after these episodes.

I think the reason I decided to blog about this is because writing about it and telling people about it helps me own it, so that I can work on changing this behavior that I so despise.

My plan is simple–try to keep up with things around the house a little better, try to worry less about what other people think about the way my house looks, and try to recognize that I am a good wife and mother and the way my house looks has nothing to do with that.

Wish me luck!


6 thoughts on “In which I have a freak out

  1. GOOD LUCK!!! and i can so relate to you. I think it is a really brave thing you are doing writing about it all – and I know what you mean – those moments of “i just can’t anymore”. The fact that you know it about yourself make you a brilliant mother and wife!

  2. I totally understand where you are coming from! Part of what helps me, (and I think I can share this b/c I know we are both Catholics) is realizing that what I do daily is not for my husband and children, but for the glory it brings to God. I also spend lots of time in prayer, especially to Mary, about these struggles. Try to notice the feelings you get before you completely “lose it”, and give yourself a time out with God and Mary. Head it off at the pass so to speak. God Bless!

  3. Hi Kelly, I do wish you luck – just remember that if you didn’t want a ‘family home’ you wouldn’t be married with three young children!

  4. This is me to an absolute T. It goes and goes and goes and it’s like lightning when it hits me. I must clean NOW. It sounds kindof obvious but what has helped me to keep on top, just a little bit, is trying not to leave a room without grabbing something that belongs in another room and putting it away. It’s a small thing but if I am conscience of it it definitely helps!

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