Every once in awhile I find myself incredibly anxious. It’s a part of who I am, and I work on ways to handle the anxiety and still make it through the day.
A major part of that is understanding what is making me anxious.
Today I am anxious because the movers are finally coming to put the roll-top desk together at the new house. I’m anxious because I’ll have to be there (without Marcus) with the girls while I wait for them, and I’m not sure what time they’ll arrive.
I’m anxious because Courtney is going to watch the girls so I can get a much needed break. I’m anxious because I hope Erica is good. And then I am anxious because I’m going to the new knitting group I have been attending, where I don’t really feel that I belong yet. And I’m working on a sock design that one of the members is attempting for me, and she’s going to knit it and hate it or think it’s terrible and then won’t want to be friends with me anymore.
And then tomorrow a girl from high school and her two kids are coming over. There is absolutely nothing to be anxious about…nothing. But I am, nonetheless.
I’m anxious about how I’ve been with the girls lately. Samantha is really testing the boundaries, and Erica is as strong-willed as ever. They are requiring constant attention, and we’re working on their behavior, which is draining.
I know…these sound like little things-irrational things. But that’s part of what it is to suffer from depression and anxiety. I cannot stop thinking about these little things. They make new worried, upset, and make the entire day a chore for me, where I want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow, where it’s gone.
The worst part is that my anxiety right now isn’t this out of control anxiety, but instead, it’s this calm anxiety, if that makes sense. My heart is racing, but I don’t have any emotion about it.
It doesn’t make sense…I know. But I feel a little better for having blurted it all out.