My Rings Don’t Fit…and other, equally depressing, realizations.

I’m not entirely sure what’s come over me. I imagine it’s the same sort of thing that strikes most people on January 1, when they realize that it’s a new year and time to get it together.  Well, it’s dawned early at my house.

My wedding rings don’t fit.  I’ve known this for a few months now, though I’ve tried to ignore it.  They’ve been sitting in my jewelery box, taunting me.  I can get them on.  But the engagement ring is so tight that I can’t stand the feeling of it around my finger.

My jeans don’t fit either.  And I don’t mean that little problem where they’re too tight after washing and stretch out some on day two.  I’ve held out hope as far as day four on a few pairs, and the fact remains.  They don’t fit.

I’m eating crap.  It’s true.  Today I ate (seriously) a brownie and two slices of leftover pizza for breakfast, a sandwich and a brownie for lunch, white rice sprinkled with Parmesan  cheese and the skin off of a chicken thigh (totally not kidding here) for dinner, and a Lean Pocket for dessert.  Of course, we all have days like these.  But lately, most of my days are like this.

I’ve entered a vicious cycle with food.  I’ll be sitting here thinking to myself that I hate my weight, how my clothes fit, and that I feel fat.  And do you know what I do?  I go get a brownie because, after all, I’m already fat and it will at least make me feel better.

I definitely have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Add in the fact that I’ve gotten lazy, and blamed my depression.  When I started taking antidepressants in November 2007, I had been running and was in the best shape of my life.  But I was too sick to take care of myself, and stopped running.  But then, my medicine made me lose weight…and so when I stopped running and started taking antidepressants, I was suddenly the skinniest I’ve ever been.

I knew that it was unhealthy.  That’s not the way to lose weight.  And I knew that the weight would come back on when my body adjusted to the medication.

I was right.

But I hate how I look now. My clothes don’t fit.  I eat crap and then feel worse about myself.  I’ve got Kiki’s wedding coming up and I don’t think I’ll fit into the dress I ordered.

I should say that I am not, under any circumstances, saying that I am really and truly fat.  I realize that I am much skinnier than some people, and that they’ll read this and be insulted by it.  After all, if I’m saying that I feel fat, I must be saying that you are fat, too, right?  But I’m not.  Not at all.  I’m just saying that I am not happy with my body right now, and a lot of it has to do with my weight.

I know my own feelings about my body and my weight need adjustment.  That’s part of the problem.

But I also know that my relationship with food and fitness needs to get back on track, too.

So tonight I went for a run.  It wasn’t much, but it was a start.  Maybe this will be the beginning of something…

Only time will tell.

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8 thoughts on “My Rings Don’t Fit…and other, equally depressing, realizations.

  1. I can relate to wanting to change my ways, but not having enough willingness to take action. Sometimes the habit just has to make us feel so bad and make our life so shitty that only then are we willing change. And you know what, I ve learned that that’s ok : )

  2. It’s all about how you feel about yourself. You’re right…You are in no way shape or form “fat”, but if you feel uncomfortable and don’t feel good about yourself, then that’s a big deal. I go through this feeling quite often (as you know, cuz I moan and groan to you about it). Last year, I was feeling so poorly about my weight – or more about how my clothes didn’t fit – that I did Jenny Craig for a few months just to lose the 10-15 lbs that I wanted. It was wonderful and I felt great.

    I know you’ll look smashing at Kiki’s wedding!

  3. Great job on realizing what you need to do in order to get to where you want to be.
    DH just finally made a commitment to lose weight too. (He was 360.) He’s lost 30# in just 2 months, I am so very proud of him. Best of all… he’s done it with his daily diet and has learned TONS about food since he started.
    He’s using http://www.mydailyplate.com (Lance Armstrong’s site) per his Dr.’s ‘prescription’. You might want to check it out too. 🙂 It’s not a ‘diet’ but a lifestyle change for him. Good luck sweetie!!

  4. Dude, you know we love you regardless of your weight. You could get as round as a barrel with a big moon face and terrible skin and we would still love you.

    But not fitting in your jeans, that’s serious potatoes. That means wasting money on clothes that’ll not fit you in a month or two once you get back to how you like to be.

    And lets face it, there are better things to waste your money on than larger sized jeans. Like yarn for example.

    Won’t anyone think of the poor yarn?

    (And sweetie, you know how to do this and you have already started. You’ll be back to your old self in a matter of months)

  5. Drink lots of water & chuck out the leftovers! Plan & buy for ‘proper’ meals. Cut down on meat & eat loads of veg. Memo to self….. do same!

  6. I think you’ve got a great solution. Exercise more and keep eating whatever the heck you want to eat. When I ration what I eat or deny myself the food I love, I feel miserable. But, taking an extra bike ride or walking an extra 30 minutes, I can do and feel good about it too.
    It’s true; I will never fit into my wedding dress again. And it’s ok. I never plan to wear it again.

    Good luck finding the right balance for you.

  7. I do know how you feel. That’s where I was when I started going to the gym again. I did feel loads better for ages, and I toned up surprisingly quickly.

    I know you can do it! I was pleased when the dietician at the hospital told me I was doing it the right way, by just cutting down on some things and excercising regularly. So no to chicken skin, and yeah for running! Go you! Also, I feel like you get double bonus points for running in the cold.

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