Tell Me…I’ll Do It.

I am writing this blog to the sound of my two screaming daughters.  Marcus went out for dinner with friends.  It’s totally fine–I could really care less.  But I think everything just came to a head tonight.

I am just feeling incredibly over parenting right now.  I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s true, at least in the minutes that I type this.  It will, of course, fade away later tonight, once the girls are asleep.  But in this moment…I can’t stand parenting.

I have tried to be patient with the girls and sleep, but it’s just gotten worse in the past year.  It happened slowly, starting with Erica learning to crawl out of her crib and having to move to a toddler bed.  She learned to climb over the gate, too, so there has been no physical roadblock to keep her in her room at night.

I’m not opposed to people who lie down with their children every night to get them to go to sleep.  In fact, there have been times that I’ve resorted to it for my own sanity.  But I don’t want that for me or for my family every night.  I don’t want to co-sleep.  I don’t want a family bed.  I want my girls to go to bed with a kiss on the cheek and a cuddle.  They used to do it.  I don’t know why they won’t any more.

I started sitting by there door and knitting or reading.  Of course, there were nights that I hated doing it and wanted and needed to be doing other things.  But for the majority of nights, I didn’t mind that 30 minutes.  It was quiet time…down time.  I accomplished things.  I loved seeing the girls as they fell asleep.

But for whatever reason…I think I’m just over it.  It’s probably a variety of things.  The stress of buying the house.  Concerns about the next year and what the move home will entail.  Starting to get ready for the holidays.  Sam being sick and Erica teething.  The web writing that is piling up on the computer because I’m behind.  The fact that I’ve had to cut back on my knitting to accommodate the tendonitis.  The fact that I’m not taking my medicine every day.

I know the medicine is part of it.  I am a better mom, wife, mother, Kelly when I take my medicine every day.  But I manage to reach 8 PM too many nights and realize I’ve forgotten, and then just don’t do it.  I know I need it.  But I still struggle to be a grown up and take it every day.

Erica has crawled up in my lap now as I type this.  Samantha waddled her way back into her bed and appears to have dozed off.  And now I feel my eyes welling up with tears as I realize what I’ve just written and what a bad mom it makes me today.

But I know that tomorrow is another day, and they’ll never remember me raising my voice tonight.

But if someone can help me with the sleep situation, I’d appreciate it.

And an extra prayer for me tonight wouldn’t hurt, either…

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10 thoughts on “Tell Me…I’ll Do It.

  1. You wrote ” And now I feel my eyes welling up with tears as I realize what I’ve just written and what a bad mom it makes me today.”

    No! It doesn’t make you a bad mom; it makes you a self-aware one. You can identify and articulate what you’re feeling, and why. So many parents can’t make the leap, and it leaves them sad, frustrated, and taking the anger out on the kids over and over.

    Just knowing that you’re having a rough patch makes you…human.

    SLeep issues truly do bite, though. Healing thoughts your way.

  2. Awwww, totally feeling for you, I am a mom to only one, who is 6, but it can unbearable for all of us at times! You are only human, and tomorrow will probably end up being the best in the past few weeks…I find it goes like that!
    Anyway, take care of yourself, I started reading your blog just over a month ago, and really enjoy it.
    I was born in Halifax, West Yorkshire, so it is nice to read your stories, and see your pictures! I live just outside of Toronto.

  3. Sleep issues are so hard…

    My boys were both stellar sleepers until I returned to work after my divorce was final. Suddenly, they were napping 2+ hours at day care (having given up naps while I was still a SAHM) and were (are still sometimes) up until 10 or later.

    Like you, I don’t want to co-sleep. I don’t want to lie in bed with them until they fall asleep. I want my time for myself…I want to do laundry, watch a little Office, and have some down time. I want to read a book or two, snuggle snuggle, kiss kiss good-bye go to sleep.

    It makes me angry at them and then being angry at them makes me feel so much guilt.

    Just know that you’re not a bad mom for feeling that way — at all!!!

    So excited to have reconnected!

  4. Not a bad mom. Not at all.
    I *do* co-sleep, have had a family bed… it doesn’t make it all that much easier.
    If I go out knitting, Jack is often still awake at 11pm when I return. John has never learned how to really put him down. Dory wants me to come to bed with her when I put her down. Um, NO!!! it’s only 8:30! Then she gives me every excuse in the book to stay up later. Hungry, thirsty, not tired, scared, wants a story, etc… I sleep in nearly 2-3 places every night. If it’s not one kid, it’s the other. I have no answer… but I feel your pain. I **need** my quiet time with the kids asleep in the evening to function, to reset.
    **NEED**
    I have no idea how to make it work some nights either.
    But you are not a bad mom, and you most certainly have my prayers.
    I hope tomorrow night is better.

  5. Hey Kelly,

    didn’t realise you were having sleep issues too! Sorry for banging on about mine all the time. You know you have my total sympathy & hope we both get a better nights sleep soon #;0)

    Lou

  6. You’re not a bad mom, you’re human. And just so you know…I look up to you every day! I think you are a fantastic mom. Erica and Sam are so lucky to have you! Love you

  7. Do whatever works for you all to keep your sanity and don’t over think it. Stick to a routine when you can. We all have bad days. There is a book called “Solving Your Childs Sleep Problems” that may offer some guidance.

    However, most of all remind yourself that no matter what is happening today or tonight will not always be. They won’t be climbing in your bed on their wedding night, and you will wish they were.

    God Bless!

  8. Just caught up on some blog reading & my heart totally goes out to you. I have yet to meet your girls but I know they are georgous yet that doesn’t make been a parent easy. If it was a computer program the manual would be zillions of pages long. I just spent the last hour listening & talking to my big boy as he reached the decision that his relationship with his girlfriend was, for him, over and trying to decide how to make the next move! 15 years ago I was making the move from sitting beside his bed as he went to sleep to ‘just here, doing a few jobs’…..!!!! Just love them, but don’t expect to always like them! I found staying in earshot worked, with a few mumbles every so often. You could station yourself with the laptop within earshot maybe? Bad Mom? No way! A bad Mom wouldn’t worry! See you soon.

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