In which I have an epiphany

Several weeks ago, I had what may be one of the most powerful epiphanies of my life. It came upon me suddenly, but since then, not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about it. I’m not sure I will ever not think about it again.

I am a worrier. I’ve also attributed this to my depression and anxiety. It has gotten better as I’ve treated those issues, but never entirely gone away. I worry. It’s what I do.

After an all-clear from my father, I took my daughters to see my grandfather for the first time in several months. It was a big deal. Suffering from leukemia, his guest list is strictly monitored and children under 18 had, until now, been forbidden. He was thrilled to see them. I was thrilled to see him see them.

But after I left, I couldn’t stop worrying. Though Jessica’s nose was dry, it had been running earlier. What if she got too close to him? What if he got sick and wasn’t strong enough to fight off the infection? What if…what if…what if…I couldn’t stop worrying.

So I brought the question to my sister. She reassured me and said all the right things.

Still, I worried.

So I asked my aunt. I confessed my worries and fears. She reassured me and said all the right things.

Still, I worried.

I called my husband. I poured my heart out to him. He reassured me and said all the right things.

Still, I worried.

I worried in spite of all those words that people spoke. I kept looking for someone else to take my worries to, convinced that they would be able to say something that would ease my worry. But nothing worked. No one said the right thing.

That’s when it occurred to me. There was only one person that I could bring this…any…worry to and get an answer that would take my worry away. There was only one person that I could speak to that could help me find peace. That person was God.

Those of you who know me know that though I consider myself a Catholic, and raise my children as such, I don’t often wear my religious heart on my sleeve, or think about the world from a spiritual perspective. So this epiphany…this was a very big deal for me.

I prayed. Instead of looking for someone to take my worries to, I took them to the Lord. And for the first time in my life, I felt peace.

It had little to do with His answer, I found. But my peace came from the telling. I turned to Him. I should always turn to Him.

Perhaps there’s something for you in this epiphany.

If nothing else, will you keep my Poppy in your thoughts and prayers? He…I…we…would all appreciate it.

Priorities

I was super excited by this year’s Ravelympics/Knitting Olympics challenge.  The Plain and Simple Pullover has been in my queue for a long time, but I was daunted by the idea of a fingering weight sweater, even one that has a fairly straightforward construction and short sleeves.  This seemed like the perfect opportunity to challenge myself.

But life, as it seems, had other plans.  Close friends were stunned by news that cancer has returned, and suddenly their lives revolve around schedules and experimental treatments.

These aren’t the friends we’ve known the longest, and aren’t the family we were born with.  But their story has really struck a chord with me.  Perhaps it’s the wife’s upbeat nature, refusing to become consumed with her husband’s scary prognosis.  Maybe it’s the fact that their children are the same age as our children.  Maybe it’s watching the couple together–how much they love each other and appreciate one another, recognizing the blessings they’ve had together in spite of this terrible news.

Whatever the reason, I’m putting my knitting projects on hold for a greater purpose–hats they’ve requested to take with them to New York.  How can I refuse?

It isn’t my Knitting Olympics project, but I’m not sad to put that to the side for this.  There’s more to life than that simple, self-imposed challenge. There are real challenges out there, those I can’t even begin to comprehend.  Those that no one should have on their plate.  Ones that, though I pray, I can’t get a grip on.

I wish there was more I could do.  But in the meantime, I’ll knit.