In which I might be obsessed with reality television

Dance Moms.  Toddlers & Tiaras.  Teen Mom.  16 & Pregnant.  Jersey Shore.  Storage Wars.  Pawn Stars.

They’re “real” (whatever that means).  They’re raw (well, sometimes).  They’re addicting (without a doubt).  I’ve found that the more that I yell at the television screen, the more likely I am to add it to the DVR list and watch next week, too.  Damn it.  It’s almost like they’ve done research and know that’s going to happen.

Poor Marcus.  At least he has his Bejeweled Blitz, Words with Friends, and Army of Darkness to help him cope.

One thing after another

This week has been chaotic. Not only did all three girls end up really ill, but biscuit (our 5 month old puppy) spent a night at the emergency vet and we had a disastrous day with the big girls.

But we have survived and another week is upon us. It’s the last full week of summer vacation. With quite a few ups and downs, I have mixed feelings about the return to school. On one hand, it’s the return to schedules, routines, homework, and after school activities. On the other, thank goodness for just that!

So, I’m determined to slow down and enjoy this week with the girls. The week before I have a first grader and a kindergartener, the week before my babies are back to being big girls, and it’s the week before everything changes (again).

Here’s to one thing after another…and then another!

In which we experience trying times

The summer has not been an easy one. My return to medication has helped me get back on track, but it has coincided with periods of struggle with the big girls. An older child starting to grow up, have some attitude, and mouth off combined with a middle child dealing with anger, frustration, and finding her place in the family have made for some difficult parenting times in the past few months.

The keys are on the table: consistency, patience, calmness, follow-through, a no-nonsense attitude, love, firmness, clear expectations and consequences, rewards.

Yet it’s so difficult, nonetheless. Parenting isn’t easy. I never thought it would be. But I just didn’t think it would be this hard, either.

Just another day in paradise

1 with strep throat
1 under the weather
1 tired of being cooped up inside
2 days in the house
2 visits to the doctor
1 plastic spoon melted to the bottom of the dishwasher
1 smelly house
4 more loads of laundry
1 full sink of dishes
1 call in for carry out
1 visit to the pharmacy (so far)
4 bottles of medicine in the kitchen counter
1 daddy on the way home to help run interference
1 tired mommy who hasn’t had a breakdown
1 real life
1 family

Quarter of a Year

A quarter of a year has passed since my last post. Quarter of a year. It seems impossible. I can’t possibly fill you all in in everything that has happened in those three months. I’m reminded of country lyrics that seem to sum it up: “Sounds like life to me!”

So where are we now, for this next quarter of a year? I’m working on a knitting project that won’t reach fruition until next year, but I promise you’ll love it. I’m writing more than ever, with the help of a sitter to get some uninterrupted time. I’m enjoying summer with the girls, though we’re working through a rough stage with Erica.

I’m doing it all back on my medication. I have no regrets, except perhaps that I waited so long to see help again.

Hello again, blog. Expect to see me around a lot more often.

In which I hang my hat

My trip to the UK went off without out a hitch–even better, I had an amazing time.  It was great to see my friends, relax, walk to town, eat all the yummy foods I’ve been missing, and to get a bit of a break from Marcus and the girls.

Better still, I got to do it all in a place that feels like home.  Marcus wondered if we’d perhaps been romanticizing our time in England–were we remembering it as better than it was simply because we were away with no immediate plans to return?  He was pleased to hear me say that no, England still felt like home, was as beautiful as it was when we left, and that all the things we missed were there and as perfect as we remembered.

Of course, our time in England did have its ups and downs, and coming home when we did was the right decision for many, many reasons.

But it was a reminder to me, to us, that there may be a place for us in England again, one day down the road.

More than anything else, my trip came at the ideal time.  I returned home refreshed, mindful of the wife and mother that I want to be and with my sights set on being her.  I was reminded of the fact that Marcus and the girls are my everything.  I really do have it all.

And I’ll hang my hat wherever they are.  That’s home.

In which I have a freak out

I feel like you must be tired of posts about this, since there have been many over the years.   I regularly have to balance my desire for an immaculate home with my desire to have a fun house and my desire to make time for myself instead of spending every free minute cleaning.  I have to balance it all, and sometimes I fail at that.

What happens a lot of times is that I can handle the chaos and the messes and the never-ending to-do list for a while, and then suddenly, I can’t.  Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, even though those things have needed to be done for X amount of time.  And I have a freak out.  There’s usually yelling at Marcus and the kids, stomping around the house, and mumbling under my breath about how I do everything, how no one helps or appreciates me, and there is often a fight that ends up ensuing between Marcus and I about something unrelated but brought on by this change in my mood.

This is not something that I am proud of.  In fact, I’m pretty ashamed of it.  I worry that the girls will grow up and remember these freak outs, instead of all the fun stuff we do, all the books we read and games we played, and all the times I was a calm, patient parent.  When I’m in my rational mind (hah!) I recognize that that isn’t the case.  But when I’m in the throws of this anxiety-induced freak out, it’s all I can see.  And I hate myself during and after these episodes.

I think the reason I decided to blog about this is because writing about it and telling people about it helps me own it, so that I can work on changing this behavior that I so despise.

My plan is simple–try to keep up with things around the house a little better, try to worry less about what other people think about the way my house looks, and try to recognize that I am a good wife and mother and the way my house looks has nothing to do with that.

Wish me luck!

In which some things crawl and others don’t

My week at the beach with the girls did, in fact, fly by.  We had a great time, though the weather wasn’t as cooperative as I would have liked when I hear the words “beach vacation.”  But still, we had a blast…

Off to the pool

Jessica learned to crawl.  This means that I can no longer just plop her down and have her be there when I return.  This changes things considerably.  But it’s so cute to watch that I can’t be disappointed about what it means for our lifestyle!

Bathing Beauty

Eight years of my marriage has somehow passed incredibly quickly too, and Marcus and I celebrated our eight year anniversary this week.  We’re taking a much needed getaway and family is helping with the girls.

Marcus and I

Crawling by, flying by…quick or slow, it’s going.

Neglected

I know, I know. I’ve been neglecting the blog. And since I love the blog, you know there must be a lot going on here off me to abandon it so suddenly. There has–life. I’m sure you can relate. Three kids, three part-time jobs, a husband, a house…whew! Life, right?

I’m knitting, though not as often as I wish I was. But, I’ve finished the Brilliance Pullover, have test knitters working on Wyatt, and have various projects stashed around the house and in the car for when I have a few stolen moments. So, I suppose the knitting is a little neglected, but still loved, too.

The writing is going well, though its been hard to write during the days like I would like. And writing at night is hard because I’m tired. But i do it, though i suppose you could say it’s lost some of the excitement for me and has been relegated to the “work” category lately.

I’m still selling jewelry, still cleaning my house (sometimes), still updating my Facebook status and Twitter account…still doing it all.

It’s all a bit neglected, I suppose. But the girls…Marcus…they aren’t. We’re doing field days and graduations, dinner dates, playing in sprinklers, jumping on tramplines, going for walks, heading to the park, planning vacationed, going to the movies, nursing…whew!

So, as much as I’m neglecting some things there are others that are being juggled pretty well. Some days better than others, of course, but for the most part, pretty well.

So, here’s to neglecting things, huh?

Depressed? Nah.

I’ve had some questions about how I’ve been feeling since Jessica arrived, and I thought it warranted a blog post.  The long story short is that I’ve suffered from bouts of major depression and anxiety since I was in high school, was diagnosed in college, and had a major episode during our stint overseas.  However, when we moved home from England last April and I found out I was pregnant, I quit my medication cold turkey (which, for the record, I don’t recommend…ever).

So here we are now, almost a year later.

I won’t lie and say it was always pretty.  Once I made it through the withdrawal, I suffered from a condition known as “first trimester.”  It wasn’t pretty.  But I don’t know if it was uglier for me than it was for any other women with two active children and a husband still overseas for seven more weeks.

Then, I suffered from a terrible bout of “it’s getting dark earlier.”  It did have me craving a Celexa, but I survived thanks to my fabulous husband and family.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I ran into “the end of pregnancy blues” that are often accompanied by a lack of sleep and severe exhaustion because you’re the size of a house.  But I actually think I managed to handle them pretty well.

Of course, after Jessica was born I was visited by “the baby blues.”  Been there, done that, wrote the book.

So that brings us to where we are today.  And I won’t lie and say that being a mother to three children (five and under) is easy.  There are days I starting counting down to bedtime (usually on my fingers, because my kids have sucked all the intelligence right out of me) shortly after we get up in the morning.  But overall, I’m feeling pretty good about life.

I’m loving every second of Jessica, and I know that’s helping.  The thought that she *might* be our last (my husband is feeling pretty “done” after three girls…I’m not convinced) gives me plenty of cause to cherish every second.  And I’m not sure if it’s because this is my third and Marcus and I have this parenting thing down, or if it’s because Jessica is such a good baby…but I feel pretty on top of things.

For the first time in a long time (ever?) I feel like I’ve got things under control.  I’m a good mom.  Not perfect, but good.  Some days I’m great.

So depressed?   Nah.

It hibernates.  Will it rear its ugly head again?  Perhaps.  Probably.  Maybe. One day.

And I’ll be ready.