I am writing this blog to the sound of my two screaming daughters. Marcus went out for dinner with friends. It’s totally fine–I could really care less. But I think everything just came to a head tonight.
I am just feeling incredibly over parenting right now. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s true, at least in the minutes that I type this. It will, of course, fade away later tonight, once the girls are asleep. But in this moment…I can’t stand parenting.
I have tried to be patient with the girls and sleep, but it’s just gotten worse in the past year. It happened slowly, starting with Erica learning to crawl out of her crib and having to move to a toddler bed. She learned to climb over the gate, too, so there has been no physical roadblock to keep her in her room at night.
I’m not opposed to people who lie down with their children every night to get them to go to sleep. In fact, there have been times that I’ve resorted to it for my own sanity. But I don’t want that for me or for my family every night. I don’t want to co-sleep. I don’t want a family bed. I want my girls to go to bed with a kiss on the cheek and a cuddle. They used to do it. I don’t know why they won’t any more.
I started sitting by there door and knitting or reading. Of course, there were nights that I hated doing it and wanted and needed to be doing other things. But for the majority of nights, I didn’t mind that 30 minutes. It was quiet time…down time. I accomplished things. I loved seeing the girls as they fell asleep.
But for whatever reason…I think I’m just over it. It’s probably a variety of things. The stress of buying the house. Concerns about the next year and what the move home will entail. Starting to get ready for the holidays. Sam being sick and Erica teething. The web writing that is piling up on the computer because I’m behind. The fact that I’ve had to cut back on my knitting to accommodate the tendonitis. The fact that I’m not taking my medicine every day.
I know the medicine is part of it. I am a better mom, wife, mother, Kelly when I take my medicine every day. But I manage to reach 8 PM too many nights and realize I’ve forgotten, and then just don’t do it. I know I need it. But I still struggle to be a grown up and take it every day.
Erica has crawled up in my lap now as I type this. Samantha waddled her way back into her bed and appears to have dozed off. And now I feel my eyes welling up with tears as I realize what I’ve just written and what a bad mom it makes me today.
But I know that tomorrow is another day, and they’ll never remember me raising my voice tonight.
But if someone can help me with the sleep situation, I’d appreciate it.
And an extra prayer for me tonight wouldn’t hurt, either…